Friday, February 02, 2007

This is new...

I have a "Wedding" subfolder in my internet favorites, both at work and at home. Within that subfolder are other subfolders called"Bridesparty Attire", "Decorations", "Photography", etc. That's not even the worst of it. I have a binder, decorated with pictures of Dan and me, with printed checklists and dividers in alphabetical order by category. Attendants, bride's attire, ceremony, flowers and decorations, food and drink...all the way through transportation and lodging. I bought $4 heart-shaped post it notes just for this binder. I look through bridal magazines and tear out pictures of stuff I like, and file them in the appropriate subcategory. Reactions so far when I pull out the binder: "Okay..." "Wow. Organized." And of course, my favorite: "Oh my god, dude."

I haven't dreamed about my wedding since I was a little girl, as all the bridal propaganda presumes that I have. I never dared to dream or even began to understand what it would feel like to want to spend the rest of my life with someone the way I do right now, today. His pictures look down on me from my bulletin board at work, and all I want to do is jump into them and be back in that moment - and then I realize that there will be so many more great moments to capture and it brings tears to my eyes. This literally happens once a day.

I've spent about a month and a half being engaged so far, and I have a dress, a wedding date that's a year and a half away, and a ceremony and reception location. I told myself that once the location was booked I could take 6 months off from all of it, but I'm drawn back in all the time. It's not that I think everything has to be perfect. It's not that I'm itching to spend thousands of dollars or that I think it can't wait. It's just that I have so much love for this person right now that I don't know what to do. I feel like I have to do something all the time or my heart will jump right out of my body. I can't not think about it. I can't make 2008 come any faster. I can, however, plan a fantastic party so that all my friends and family can catch even a little glimpse of how this makes me feel, because I can't even begin to explain it.

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