Wednesday, May 09, 2007

I Want To Eat Everything in the World

In the past month or so I've really, really fallen of the wagon with any semblance of food control. Between the move, conferences, parties, work events, etc., I've both stopped attending WW meetings and paying any attention whatsoever to what I'm eating. Here's what I ate yesterday:

-banana & Luna bar
-salad with avocado, Goddess dressing, sunflower seeds, craisins and shredded carrots
-a bag of limited edition (and disgusting) Carnival flavored Skittles
-a bag of fruit snacks
-a mini bag of popcorn
-fetuccini tomato rustica (read: bread bread cheese oil bread oil cheese)
-Spicy Chicken Boca patty
-two gigantic beers at a baseball game
-one soft serve chocolate sundae, also at baseball game
-granola bar
-provolone cheese and smoked turkey wrapped around a dill pickle (Really. Dan said, "Are you pregnant?")

That? Doesn't look so bad. Gets worse as the day progresses, which is pretty standard I find. And is nothing. It's a light binge day for me, really, and represents 52.5 points. My allotment for a day is 20. I did earn 4 in exercise. So...still.

And here's a list of what I want to consume right now, in no particular order:

-a Hot Shot Italian sandwich from Caffrey's Deli & Subs
-a Chipotle steak fajita burrito bol
-Old Dutch salt & vinegar potato chips
-Fat Lorenzo's pizza
-chocolate anything, though something in the cake/brownie family is sounding especially scrumptious

The thing about eating poorly for me is that it's just a vicious cycle. I understand this to be a common thread in women's attitude about eating and weight loss. "If I eat this slice of pizza, I've blown it for the day, so I might as well just eat whatever I want and start fresh tomorrow." Except starting fresh tomorrow isn't so easy, either.

Irresponsible eating and smoking cigarettes are two very similar behaviors for me. They make me feel crappy, both physically and emotionally. They make me cranky. They make me feel helpless and hopeless and inferior and awful, and yet, when I'm particularly stressed out, I will fall back on one or both of these two behaviors only to have to drag myself back out and undergo the week of misery it takes before I'm not starving all the time from the sudden cutback in food intake or feeling like I might do just about anything for one drag of a cigarette.

I know all of this. There's a voice in my head that tells me not to eat excessive fat, sugar, salt, alcohol because I will not like the consequences. There's both knowledge, evidence and painful reminders of how bad smoking is, just in general, for me and everyone else.

And yet, this recurring battle.

Once I start eating junk food, it's all I want to eat. I go into this comatose daze and am almost instantaneously lazier. Cigarettes are the same way. Put everything all together and you have me, 5 years ago, 230 pounds, depressed, huge, boring, bored.

This is why these things matter to me. Being free of these addictions:

1. Makes me happier.
2. Makes me healthier.
3. Puts me in control of my own health and happiness.
4. Makes me look and smell fantastic (except when I eat asparagus...look out).
5. Keeps me in my wedding dress, which has already been purchased.

On the plus side, I have gone back to the gym this week. The first week of not smoking is almost over. Now for the food. Grr.


Charles said...

Lies! You were never boring. Possibly frequently bored, but not boring.

I started smoking (stress and depression) in January and just quit (again) last week. As soon as I started smoking, I was making beelines for McDonald's, not cooking, and skipping the gym. Ugh.

I'm back on the wagon now, though. Junk food is totally addictive.

Xtine said...

you can do it!
hey maria -
you've done it before, you can do it again. we'll all be battling these things til the day we die, but remember how you got through it before and do it again.
miss you!

Country Living said...

OKAY, I know you didn't want me reading your blog, but you responded to Joanna's, and here I am, so...

First of all, Charles is right--you have never, ever been boring.

Secondly: it's bread, bread, bread--or stuff with flour in it, which includes beer, unfortunately. (The stuff that makes dough stretchy--I can't remember what it's called.) Get yourself a bottle of grape juice, have 3 oz. 1/2 hr. before you eat with 3 whole almonds, and stop worrying! You've worked too hard for this--and your body composition will bounce right back if you do.

Love you bunches,