To: The Woman in the Last Stall
From: A friend
Subject: Your poo of this afternoon
We never actually met, but I was in the ladies room on the second floor with you this afternoon. I was inspired to correspond with you regarding our encounter and to impart some knowledge that I believe you may find useful.
Conventional toilets use between 3.5 and 7 gallons of water per flush. Considering the age and maintenance status of our office building, let’s be conservative and say 5 gallons. In the 60 seconds I was in the bathroom, your toilet flushed at least three times, using 15 gallons of water (the equivalent of the amount needed to run a load of dishes through a dishwasher). Judging by the intensity of the smell from several stalls away, I would venture to guess that the toilet had been flushed at least that many times before I entered the restroom, bringing us to 30 gallons (the amount needed to take a standard sized bath). I would venture to guess that you did not leave the restroom for another few minutes (call it a hunch, or a translator of grunts), though I assume that if no one was in the bathroom it would not be necessary to use the sound of a flush to cover the apparently mortifying sound of a splash. Let’s just say that you needed to flush 3 more times, for a total of 45 gallons of water. A water saving showerhead uses 2.5 gallons per minute, which would have granted you a luxurious 18 minute shower. That’s a shavin’ shower, that is.
I appreciate the embarrassment you must feel at having to defecate. I know I would certainly be embarrassed if I were in your shoes. (Luckily my body has been specially built to reuse its own waste.) However, I felt it was my duty to let you know how wasteful the practice of flushing to cover the sounds of pooping is. Let ‘er rip, girlfriend. Additionally, it would be more cost effective and enjoyable for all of us in the long run if you would simply invest in a can of Glade or something. I realize the long term environmental effects may rival the abuse of water, but the short term environment and all that occupy it would thank you.